“That’s Not What Family Does”: The Power of Repeated Values
I say it all the time:
“That’s not what family does.”
It’s just five words.
But in my house? That phrase might as well be law.
Not because I yell it.
Not because I write it on the fridge in block letters.
But because it’s repeated—consistently, calmly, and with conviction.
And over time, that repetition becomes rhythm.
That rhythm becomes identity.
And identity? That becomes the compass.
This is how you build values that stick.
Values Don’t Need to Be Loud. They Need to Be Lived.
People often ask me how I raised grounded, driven kids.
Here’s the answer they don’t expect:
I didn’t give them lectures. I gave them rhythms.
Over and over, we came back to the same anchor points:
“We show up for each other.”
“We don’t quit when it’s hard.”
“That’s not what family does.”
And I didn’t just say those things.
I tied them to real moments.
Your brother’s struggling with something and you just walked by?
“That’s not what family does.”
You came home with a bad grade but owned it and asked for help?
“That’s exactly what family does.”
Simple. Clear. Anchored in action.
Why Repetition Works
Behavioral science backs this up:
Reinforcement builds association. Association builds behavior. Behavior builds identity.
We’re not shaping robots—we’re shaping how someone sees themselves.
And when someone begins to think:
“I do this because this is who I am…”
You’ve moved from rules to values.
From control to internal compass.
That’s real parenting. That’s real leadership.
The Danger of Accidental Messaging
Here’s the flip side:
If you don’t repeat intentional values, you’ll still repeat something.
You’ll still build identity—just not the one you meant to.
Say things like:
“You never get it right.”
“Why can’t you be more like [x]?”
“Whatever. I’ll just do it myself.”
And guess what gets reinforced?
Not values.
But shame.
Comparison.
Disconnection.
The messages we repeat become the beliefs people carry.
That’s why I’m constantly asking leaders, parents, partners:
“What are your repeating phrases? And are they building the world you want?”
This Works in Teams Too
The same principle applies in the workplace.
Imagine if a team hears:
“We don’t point fingers—we solve forward.”
“Done is better than perfect.”
“We own our impact, not just our intent.”
Now imagine they hear it every week.
Connected to real moments.
With stories to match.
That’s a values-driven culture in motion.
You don’t need posters or platitudes.
You need repetition, relevance, and rhythm.
What Should I Say, Then?
Here’s a coaching tool:
Pick 3 value statements that reflect the culture or family you want.
Make them:
Short enough to remember.
Clear enough to apply.
Rooted in behavior, not abstract ideals.
For me, these are gold:
“We help without being asked.”
“We don’t lie—even when it’s hard.”
“We bounce back.”
Then do the reps.
Not in preachy moments—but in real-life feedback.
And when you catch someone living those values?
Say it. Out loud. Let them feel it.
“That right there? That’s exactly what we do. That’s what family does.”
Final Thought: Your Voice Becomes Their Inner Voice
Let’s not overcomplicate this.
Kids, employees, partners—they don’t need a TED Talk every time something goes wrong.
They need:
A steady hand.
A consistent rhythm.
A clear example.
What you say, again and again, will stick.
It will echo.
And one day, when they’re on their own and the world tilts sideways...
They’ll hear that rhythm.
And it might just be the thing that steadies them.
So ask yourself:
What phrase do you want echoing in the people you love?
Then go say it. Again and again.
Because that’s what family does.