The Silent Saboteur in Relationships: Misaligned Expectations
If I had to pinpoint the #1 thing that derails relationships—not just romantic ones, but professional, parental, even friendships—it’s not money, time, or even communication styles.
It’s misaligned expectations.
And worse?
Most people don’t even realize it’s happening… until the damage is done.
The Covert Contract You Didn’t Know You Signed
Let me introduce you to a little concept I call the covert contract.
That’s when you have an expectation of someone—but you never told them.
You just assumed they knew.
And when they didn’t meet it, you got hurt. Angry. Distant.
Sound familiar?
“I shouldn’t have to tell them—I thought they just would.”
“If they cared, they’d already know.”
“I did this… so why didn’t they do that?”
Here’s the truth:
An unspoken expectation is just a setup for resentment.
It’s a trap disguised as hope.
Alignment Is the Glue. Not Affection.
Tammy and I didn’t last 40+ years because we agreed on everything.
We lasted because we aligned intentionally—again and again—especially when life shifted.
Marriage. Kids. Careers. Empty nesting. Grandkids. All of it.
We didn’t just expect each other to read minds.
We sat down. We clarified. We updated the playbook.
That’s relationship fitness in action.
Because the strongest relationships aren’t the ones with the least tension.
They’re the ones with the clearest expectations.
Let’s Break This Down
In any relationship, there are two types of expectations:
Stated – “Hey, I’d like help with dinner three nights a week.”
Unstated – “I’m exhausted and annoyed and secretly hoping you’ll take the hint.”
Which one leads to progress?
Now, let’s take it further:
Are your expectations realistic?
Are they shared?
Are they static or evolving?
Because expectations that were aligned five years ago might be totally outdated today.
That’s not failure. That’s growth.
But if you don’t check in, you end up driving toward different destinations on the same road.
The 3-Part Alignment Framework
Here’s how I coach people to clean up the hidden mess:
1. Clarify
What exactly do you want or need?
Not in vague terms. Not “be more supportive.”
I’m talking: “I’d love if you asked me how my day was before diving into the kids’ schedule.”
2. Communicate
Say it out loud.
Yes, it feels awkward. But unmet expectations corrode trust faster than almost anything.
And if it helps, say:
“I realize I’ve never said this clearly, but here’s something that matters to me…”
Own your part. Invite collaboration, not compliance.
3. Co-Create
This is where most people drop the ball.
They declare their needs, but they don’t work together to create mutual agreements.
The power’s in the agreement—when both parties get a say.
That’s what creates buy-in. That’s what builds trust.
Otherwise, it’s just a new covert contract in disguise.
“But I Don’t Even Know What I Expect…”
Yeah, that happens too.
Here’s a hint:
If you’re disappointed, frustrated, or feeling let down—you had an expectation. You just didn’t name it.
Sit with that.
Ask yourself:
What did I hope would happen?
Where did that hope come from?
Was it fair, clear, and realistic?
This kind of self-inquiry is what separates reactive relationships from resilient ones.
Final Thought: Don’t Assume Alignment. Build It.
Alignment isn’t a one-time conversation.
It’s a lifestyle.
You align at every new chapter:
New job
New child
New challenge
New dream
If you don’t, you drift. And drift becomes distance.
Distance becomes disconnection.
And that becomes the heartbreak we all say “came out of nowhere.”
But it didn’t.
So do the work.
Check in.
Update the contract.
Speak your needs.
And build alignment on purpose.
Because expectations don’t ruin relationships—unspoken ones do.