STEAR and the Thought-Emotion Trap: Why You're Not Arguing About What You Think You're Arguing About
Let’s get honest.
Most arguments aren’t about what was said.
They’re about what we made it mean.
Your partner didn’t say “you’re incompetent.”
They asked if you sent the email.
You heard judgment.
Felt disrespected.
And now you’re both in a silent standoff.
Welcome to the trap.
The Hidden Formula Running Every Relationship
Here’s the framework I teach in coaching. I call it STEAR. It’s not a theory—it’s a mirror.
Situation → Thought → Emotion → Action → Result
Everything starts with a moment—a situation.
But we rarely respond to the moment itself.
We respond to what we think about the moment.
That thought triggers an emotion.
That emotion drives an action.
That action creates a result.
And that is what shapes every single relationship in your life.
Here’s a simple example:
Situation: Your partner leaves dishes in the sink.
Thought: “They don’t respect my time.”
Emotion: Frustration, resentment.
Action: You snap, or you go silent.
Result: They get defensive, or retreat—and nothing changes.
Now take a different thought:
Thought: “They’re probably fried from the day.”
Emotion: Compassion.
Action: You bring it up calmly.
Result: A collaborative solution, not a cold war.
Same situation.
Different interpretation.
Radically different outcome.
“You’re Making Me Mad” — The Myth
One of my favorite teaching moments happened with my daughter. I overheard her say to her own child, “You’re making me mad.”
And I jumped in—like any good dad (or coach):
“Nope. That’s a you thing. You’re getting mad. That’s your thought. Your emotion. And you can choose a different one.”
Now don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying emotions are bad.
But if we believe we’re at the mercy of others for how we feel, we give away all our power.
The Trap Is Repeating Itself—Until You See It
If your relationships feel stuck, I guarantee this cycle is happening:
Situation → Thought → Emotion → Action → Same damn result.
We argue the action.
We fight the behavior.
We never go back to the thought that started it all.
You’ve got to trace the wires.
Start asking:
What am I making this mean?
Is that thought even true?
How else could I see this?
This is how we begin to break the loops we didn’t know we were living in.
STEAR Is a Tool, Not a Trap
STEAR doesn’t just show you why your patterns happen.
It gives you a roadmap to change them.
Try this the next time something triggers you:
Stop and name the situation. Just the facts.
Ask yourself, “What thought just ran through my head?”
Notice the emotion that thought created.
Identify what action you feel pulled toward—and ask, “Will this get me the result I want?”
If not? Try changing the thought.
It won’t feel natural at first. That’s okay. Neither did squats or meditation.
But if you keep practicing, you’ll stop reacting and start responding.
Final Thought: You’re Not Crazy. You’re Just Unaware (Until Now)
People ask me, “Why does this keep happening?”
It’s because they’re living on autopilot in a system no one ever taught them to see.
But once you see STEAR, you can’t unsee it.
And once you start using it, you stop blaming, stop spiraling, and start building relationships that work.
You’re not arguing about the dishes. Or the tone. Or the email.
You’re arguing about the story in your head.
And that’s the good news—because the story is something you can change.
Want help walking through a STEAR loop in real life?
Drop a situation in the comments or message me—I’ll break it down with you.
Let’s start building relationships that work from the inside out.